February 2012
Last month, I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. I settled
into the reclining chair as the hygienist clipped a bib around my
neck. We made small talk as she examined my teeth and prepared them for
cleaning. Then the conversation turned where it inevitably always ends
up.
"Do you have kids?"
"No, not yet." I replied.
"Do you WANT kids?'
Do I want kids?
Does she have any idea what she is asking?
Does she know how long we have been trying?
Does she know I recently underwent surgery to treat the cause of my infertility?
Does
she know how many nights I cry myself to sleep, how many times my
husband has held me as I cry uncontrollably, how many emotional
breakdowns I have had, that come out of nowhere?
Does she know that I have underwent hormone therapy to treat my condition?
Does she know that my husband and I have a two percent chance of conceiving naturally?
Does she know that I WANT kids? That I ache for a child with my entire being?
The
pain for me is so real, both physically and emotionally, that I am
taken aback to discover that outsiders have no idea what is going on
with me. From my perspective, it seems that my disease is visible to
the outside world, that it can be identified by strangers. But it can't
be seen.
Someday, I hope to be able to pull out a
wallet with a long accordion-fold of pictures to show every person who
asks, "Do you have kids?". Until then, I'll remember that that painful
question is not intended to harm or poke fun. It's just small talk.
If only we could wear our conditions and struggles on our sleeves like badges. It would sure make it easier for people to know what NOT to say! In the meantime, sometimes you could just answer this question by saying, "We do want children, and have been trying in earnest for over two years. It's our greatest hope that we conceive soonest!" Try that in your best, devil-may-care voice and you'll be amazed. They will either feel awkward and insensitive, or they will see that things aren't always what out-ward appearances may convey. I think that for the most part most people would never want to hurt anyone else with a question like that--they just don't weigh the possibilities that such a young, vibrant and loving couple as you and Doug could ever have such a condition as infertility. In a perfect world, you two would have at least half a dozen beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteYou are two of the strongest people I know, and I'm so proud of you. If I had the power, I'd send you many babies right now! As for what I CAN do, I'll keep sending a prayer every chance I get to Him (and trust me, He's probably getting tired of hearing from me on this subject!)
I love you both so much.
Thanks for the prayers, mom. And you're right; I don't think anyone intends to be insensitive. I think of all the times I must have said something really hurtful to another person, being unaware of their circumstances. I have to exercise grace and realize how often grace has been shown to me as well.
ReplyDelete