The Dark Side...

All of this fertility treatment, while a miracle, enabling us to build our family, also has a dark side.  Also known as side effects.  The first time I had to take Lupron Depot for my endometriosis, I distinctly remember the doctor turning to Doug and saying something along the lines of, "Get ready for a roller coaster ride."  I think he said it much more respectfully, not to poke fun at me, but to really let Doug know that it was going to be a rough few months.  And it was.  It was menopause at breakneck speed, complete with hot flashes and mood swings.  I hated it. 

Fast forward a couple of years to mid-May 2014.  I unexpectedly had to have a one month dose of Lupron Depot to calm things down with my endometriosis again.  Only this time, it wouldn't be so bad because I knew what to expect.

Aside from the hot flashes, it wasn't a big deal this time.  Maybe because it was only for a month, instead of 3.  I will say that I don't think that it helped my pain from the endo, but it at least stopped my period, so that could help with some of the damage.

So I thought I was scot(?)-free.  Then I started the Leuprolide Acetate (Lupron, but not Lupron Depot).  This is a daily injection that is part of the IVF process.  It shuts down the reproductive system to allow it to be manipulated with other hormones (crazy, right?).

On day 2 of the Lupron, however, the evil Side Effect arrived.  No, not the hot flashes.  I wouldn't even call it mood swings.  Just pure evil.  Ever seen Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde?  Yeah, like that.

It happened 2 weekends ago.  My sister (also my bestie) was visiting, and we were cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast.  I went to put the griddle away, and she playfully snapped my brastrap.

I.
Freaked.
Out.

I'm not even sure of what I said (I know swearing was involved.  Probably the BIG ONE.).  Did I black out?  I don't know.  She said later that she could see it in my eyes.  Like it wasn't even me.  It was like everything that had ever made me mad in the history of ever was there in that moment.  I did it right in front of everyone, even my little niece.  Then, to make matters worse, I went and had some words with Doug for not helping clean the kitchen (so not an issue.  He was busy anyway, and cleans the kitchen more often than I do!). 

I had to go in my room to have a good cry.  I was embarrassed.  Angry at myself.  Angry at the Lupron.  Angry at my ovaries for getting me into this mess in the first place.  I think Doug came in to try to console me, but I was just so upset that I couldn't take it back.

I finally calmed down and came out and apologized to everyone.  I felt horrible.  Everyone was walking on eggshells after that, and I can't blame them.  It made me feel even worse.  My sister was kind and understanding (as always), but they did end up leaving earlier than they planned.  Not that I blame them.  I wish I could get away from myself sometimes.  I feel like the Incredible Hulk, or a werewolf who needs to be locked away.  Now I am afraid of the next time the Lupron Snake (as my sister refers to it) will strike again.  I have until mid-July and then I will be done with it.  For now. 

Again!

Here we go again. Our daughter is now 15 months old. We are so blessed to have her. Even with all we went through, it has all been so worth it to have her as a part of our family. We don't want to be greedy, but we do want more children. Both Doug and I have siblings, and we cherish those relationships. We were lucky enough to have 3 embryos left, so we have decided to do a frozen embryo transfer.

Today (June 11), my medication came in. Last time, I was at my sister's house when my meds came in, and my hubby was camping.

The.
Box.
Was.
Huge.

It was filled to the brim with needles. Some very BIG needles. Some small (but needles nonetheless). And lots of complicated medications. I was overwhelmed. I sat on the floor on my blanket of fertility meds and sobbed. I scared my little niece, who saw me crying and ran to alert my sister. I watch the training videos about 20 times, and then my sister and I tried to do the first injection. It was laughable, if it hadn't been so scary.

Today's box was much smaller. Since it is a frozen embryo transfer (FET), there are no follicle stimulation medications. I'm cool with that. There are, however, 56 estrogen patches. That is new to me. This is an insane amount of patches. When women go through menopause, they use 1 patch per month. I'll be using 56 in a matter of a few weeks or so. 

It's so much easier this time, knowing what to expect with the meds.  I'm still not thrilled about the injections and the bruising and the mood swings, but I've been here before. And I'll do anything to bring my babies home. 

I'm trying not to overthink the process and get stuck in the "what-ifs". I also don't want to be naive and assume that everything will go according to plan.  I want to remain hopeful, but thankful for what I have. Because I am. And I am blessed beyond measure.