The Dark Side...

All of this fertility treatment, while a miracle, enabling us to build our family, also has a dark side.  Also known as side effects.  The first time I had to take Lupron Depot for my endometriosis, I distinctly remember the doctor turning to Doug and saying something along the lines of, "Get ready for a roller coaster ride."  I think he said it much more respectfully, not to poke fun at me, but to really let Doug know that it was going to be a rough few months.  And it was.  It was menopause at breakneck speed, complete with hot flashes and mood swings.  I hated it. 

Fast forward a couple of years to mid-May 2014.  I unexpectedly had to have a one month dose of Lupron Depot to calm things down with my endometriosis again.  Only this time, it wouldn't be so bad because I knew what to expect.

Aside from the hot flashes, it wasn't a big deal this time.  Maybe because it was only for a month, instead of 3.  I will say that I don't think that it helped my pain from the endo, but it at least stopped my period, so that could help with some of the damage.

So I thought I was scot(?)-free.  Then I started the Leuprolide Acetate (Lupron, but not Lupron Depot).  This is a daily injection that is part of the IVF process.  It shuts down the reproductive system to allow it to be manipulated with other hormones (crazy, right?).

On day 2 of the Lupron, however, the evil Side Effect arrived.  No, not the hot flashes.  I wouldn't even call it mood swings.  Just pure evil.  Ever seen Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde?  Yeah, like that.

It happened 2 weekends ago.  My sister (also my bestie) was visiting, and we were cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast.  I went to put the griddle away, and she playfully snapped my brastrap.

I.
Freaked.
Out.

I'm not even sure of what I said (I know swearing was involved.  Probably the BIG ONE.).  Did I black out?  I don't know.  She said later that she could see it in my eyes.  Like it wasn't even me.  It was like everything that had ever made me mad in the history of ever was there in that moment.  I did it right in front of everyone, even my little niece.  Then, to make matters worse, I went and had some words with Doug for not helping clean the kitchen (so not an issue.  He was busy anyway, and cleans the kitchen more often than I do!). 

I had to go in my room to have a good cry.  I was embarrassed.  Angry at myself.  Angry at the Lupron.  Angry at my ovaries for getting me into this mess in the first place.  I think Doug came in to try to console me, but I was just so upset that I couldn't take it back.

I finally calmed down and came out and apologized to everyone.  I felt horrible.  Everyone was walking on eggshells after that, and I can't blame them.  It made me feel even worse.  My sister was kind and understanding (as always), but they did end up leaving earlier than they planned.  Not that I blame them.  I wish I could get away from myself sometimes.  I feel like the Incredible Hulk, or a werewolf who needs to be locked away.  Now I am afraid of the next time the Lupron Snake (as my sister refers to it) will strike again.  I have until mid-July and then I will be done with it.  For now. 

Again!

Here we go again. Our daughter is now 15 months old. We are so blessed to have her. Even with all we went through, it has all been so worth it to have her as a part of our family. We don't want to be greedy, but we do want more children. Both Doug and I have siblings, and we cherish those relationships. We were lucky enough to have 3 embryos left, so we have decided to do a frozen embryo transfer.

Today (June 11), my medication came in. Last time, I was at my sister's house when my meds came in, and my hubby was camping.

The.
Box.
Was.
Huge.

It was filled to the brim with needles. Some very BIG needles. Some small (but needles nonetheless). And lots of complicated medications. I was overwhelmed. I sat on the floor on my blanket of fertility meds and sobbed. I scared my little niece, who saw me crying and ran to alert my sister. I watch the training videos about 20 times, and then my sister and I tried to do the first injection. It was laughable, if it hadn't been so scary.

Today's box was much smaller. Since it is a frozen embryo transfer (FET), there are no follicle stimulation medications. I'm cool with that. There are, however, 56 estrogen patches. That is new to me. This is an insane amount of patches. When women go through menopause, they use 1 patch per month. I'll be using 56 in a matter of a few weeks or so. 

It's so much easier this time, knowing what to expect with the meds.  I'm still not thrilled about the injections and the bruising and the mood swings, but I've been here before. And I'll do anything to bring my babies home. 

I'm trying not to overthink the process and get stuck in the "what-ifs". I also don't want to be naive and assume that everything will go according to plan.  I want to remain hopeful, but thankful for what I have. Because I am. And I am blessed beyond measure. 

37 Weeks Milestone

37 Weeks

We've reached a major milestone this week.  I am now considered full-term at 37 weeks.  I have been blessed with an easy and healthy pregnancy.  After all that we have been through to get pregnant, my fear was that there would be complications, or worse, miscarriage.  I know this is the sad reality for many women who struggle with infertility.

I hope that if you are struggling with infertility that my story has provided some comfort and hope.  I know everyone's journey is different, and not everyone will choose the path we chose, but there are many options out there for starting a family.  Hopefully this blog has provided some insight and perspective into In Vitro and other ARTs.

If you do not personally struggle with infertility, I hope that this blog has shed some light on a subject that is often hidden in the shadows.  Before it was our journey, I had never really given it any thought.  Now I see so many who are going through the same or similar struggles.  Please be aware of the many people in your life that are or may be struggling with the pain of infertility. 

And while I am so so blessed with the life that has been given to us, it is sometimes nerve wracking to think about "next time".  Will there be a next time?  Will we only have one child?  What about miscarriage or failed IVF?  We are so thankful for the child that we have been blessed with.  She is truly a miracle, and we can't wait to meet her.  The "what-ifs" will just have to wait, or quiet down altogether. 

2nd Ultrasound

One of the perks of being an IVF patient is that you get to have more ultrasounds than a typical pregnant woman.  I am only 9 weeks, and I just had my second ultrasound.  I thought it would be just like the last one, so I didn't think it would be terribly exciting.  Boy was I wrong!  I wish we had taken video, because we got quite the show!

First of all, the baby has grown a LOT in just 2 weeks!  Plus, this time you could really see the head, body, and arms.  It's incredible how much change happens in so little time.  But the most amazing thing was that during the ultrasound, the little baby was dancing around and waving at us!  (Doug says he was fist-pumping.)  It was so incredible. 

Everything looked good and the baby is still healthy.  We are praying this continues.  There is LIFE inside of me, and I never cease to praise God for this miracle!

It's so hard to see in this small picture, but the head, body, and arms are really starting to be defined now!  Heartbeat is up to 178 (cause the baby was so active).

Things are starting to feel "real".  My "baby bump" is now visible to others, and people have been asking a lot of questions.  I feel strange talking with others about a topic I have avoided for so long.  And it's interesting to see reactions--joy, disbelief, more disbelief (c'mon people, was I THAT much of a lost cause?) when I share the news.  But all is well, and we're still super-excited!

First Ultrasound

Ok, so I don't want this to turn into a pregnancy blog, but part of IVF is also the care you receive when you finally do get pregnant. 

With IVF, you are considered high risk, even if everything is healthy and looking good.  So they have you do an ultrasound at 6 weeks to check for ectopic pregnancy (something I was high risk for) and to make sure everything is progressing well.  Then they also check your hormone levels to evaluate your medication needs.

We had our first ultrasound on the 22nd.  I was actually almost 7 weeks along.  Everything looked really good and we even got to hear the heartbeat!  I think I am still in shock--I really was starting to think this would never happen for us. 

The baby is only the size of a blueberry, but that's pretty huge considering that only a few weeks ago it was microscopic! 

The heartbeat is 125 bpm. 

We also had my hormone levels checked, and they were way high, so they said to stop doing the shots and then have my levels checked the next day.  They were still high enough, so I am officially shot-free!  I have had to have daily shots since the beginning of June, so this is an awesome feeling!  But I would do it as long as necessary to keep the baby healthy!

So we are praying that things continue to progress nicely, and that ultimately we end up with a healthy baby.  Boy, girl, tall, short, it doesn't matter.  We are already so in love.

The Results Are In...

Well, it's been 2 1/2 years of waiting, praying, doctors, what-ifs, and heartache.  After all this time, we finally have good news!

Yup, that's right!  We're having a baby!  Thank you all so much for your prayers and support during this time.  It hasn't been easy, but it is definitely worth it.  We are so blessed to be a part of one of God's miracles!

We were really lucky and only had to do one round of IVF.  They put in one embryo, so we will have a singleton, which is fine by me!  I would be so happy to have twins, but I'm sure it is quite the undertaking.

I am still taking my Estrogen and Progesterone, so I don't quite feel "normal" yet, but it's so worth it!  I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby healthy!  So thank you for your continued prayer for our growing baby.  Love you all!

Transfer Day!

Well, the big day finally arrived!  Today was the day we went in for embryo transfer.  Our appointment was at 2:15, so we spent the day getting groceries, changing the oil in my car, going to the bank, etc. so that we wouldn't have to worry about those things while I'm on bedrest.  We also hit up a thrift store and Lowe's, where we purchased a couple of clearance items on the cheap. :)

We have both been beyond excited today.  Heck, we've been excited since we started the IVF process June 6th!  I made my hair all pretty, like it was a date or the first day of school or something.  Then as we were getting ready to go, we reviewed the instructions, and it said NO hairspray, scented lotion, or deodorant.  Oops.  So after we went shopping we both had to take showers.  No cute hair for me :(  Haha.

We had a nice lunch, and then I had to drink 32 oz. of water in 45 minutes, 45 minutes prior to the procedure.  Here is what that looks like:

This plus a third of this.  I was dancin'.

If you know me at all, you know that "holding it" is not my strongpoint.  I don't prefer feeling like I have to "go".  But, alas, I had to hold it from 1:00 until the procedure was over at 3:15. 

So when we got to the doctor, I took a Valium (doctor's orders; not for recreation, lol!), which helped a bit with the dancing.  At 2:15, they called us back and did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything was as it should be.

Then we discussed how many embryos we wanted to place.  For my age group, the recommendation is 1 or 2, depending on quality of the embryos and the health of the uterus.  We've been reading some new studies that have come out that say that putting one in instead of two is healthier if it's feasible, because having twins can increase the risk for ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, premature birth, etc.  And the doctor said that usually his patients that end up with twins hate him for a couple of years, haha.

They grade the embryos on a 1-5 scale, with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst (however, an embryo with a rating of 5 can become a perfectly healthy baby; there is just a stronger chance for success with a 1)  We had one embryo that was a 1 on the scale.  Therefore, he made a strong case for going with one, and we agreed, so that's what we did.

Here is a picture of two of our babies.  The one on the left is the one we transferred today.  The one on the right will be a younger sibling someday. :)

  The procedure was really no big deal.  We had to verify and verify and verify our names and dates of birth to make sure we were the right people, and sign some paperwork.  I was awake for the whole thing and Doug was in the room.  It was pretty emotional, in a good way.  It only took about 15 minutes for the actual transfer, and then I had to lay there and wait.  That was the hardest part, with 10 gallons of water in my belly.  Doug and I cried and prayed afterward, thanking God for all He's done and who He is, and asking Him to continue to grow our baby healthy.  

I have to be on bed rest for the next couple of days, which I have been practicing for my whole life ;)  Doug made a delicious eggplant parmesan for dinner tonight.  My friend made a keen observation that we ate eggplant on the day of our EGG PLANT procedure.  Har har!

All in all, we are SO stoked about all of this.  For all intents and purposes, I am now technically pregnant, something I have never been able to say before in my life.  I will have to take a pregnancy test in the next couple of weeks, so I'm praying that baby holds on and makes itself cozy!

Ok, really hard to tell here, but this is the transfer.  The little whale-shaped white spot is the uterus, and the tiny black dots inside of that are little air bubbles that are on either side of the embryo.  You can't see the actual embryo though.  Hopefully soon!

This process has been hard, and it's still not over, but it's been so cool to see God's grace in all of this.  Even with all the disease that is in my body, my uterus has remained untouched and healthy, praise God!  With only one functioning ovary, I had 8 eggs, a pretty good number, considering!  And even the doctor was surprised about how many of those eggs actually fertilized.  Again, all God!  And to have what he called a PERFECT embryo is so awesome!  God has been orchestrating everything to go so smoothly, and I pray that continues!  But we know that whatever happens, it is part of His perfect plan.